I don’t believe in Christmas. I really stopped caring for it for over 20 years now. I just really don’t see the point. I can make anyone that I care about feel important anytime of the year and I can also buy them a gift anytime. I actually do that, spontaneously, to any given person in my life. They look confused for a second and then realize I’m just trying to appreciate them. I used to get really frustrated with the planning and the multiple visits to different relatives. Why didn’t they ever come to visit me? I got really tired of it all and I think everyone started to see that I was faking the happiness of spending time with them. Now having said all that…
I had the best Christmas ever this year. I have prayed and wished for this Christmas for 20 years. I almost didn’t have it either. I live in Toronto. If you live in Toronto, you know we had a power outage due to an ice storm. Two days without power. It got really cold and I decided to go to my sisters house because my brother had his in-laws this year. I get to my sisters house and my nieces and nephew (3 girls, 1 boy), are just so happy to see me and I really have grown to love them. My own children are grown and I am so thankful for that. I have no more patience for small children and I am so happy mine are grown up. My sisters children are young, the oldest being 11. After an hour being there, the noise was unbearable. The youngest, the boy, would just scream, I mean scream at the top of his voice and run through the house. The 2 older girls would fight and yell at each other. The youngest girl, I was truly impressed, was into her own thing and seemed oblivious to all the noise. She reminds me of a 5 year old Audrey Hepburn. Her eyes are truly beautiful and big and she speaks to you with them. Melts you inside.
I couldn’t stand the noise so I freaked out. I demanded 5 minutes of peace and quiet. I was rewarded with the children all going to the basement and so the yelling was muffled. A victory in my opinion. I was in a warm house after all and I really couldn’t leave. I spent the night and at 6:30 a.m I got into the car and drove back to Toronto to go to work. I got back to my place and the power was still out. I slept another hour and then headed to work. I had the late shift so I didn’t have to hurry. When I got to work I decided I was going to brave it out at home if the power was still out when I got off work. The thought of going back to my sisters, scared me. I reminded myself of the Christmas I always wanted. So I promised myself that I would stay at my place.
While at work though, I made dinner plans with someone that I have been wanting to have dinner with for a long time. I had her choose the place for dinner. I like when others choose the plans, it lets me see into their tastes and likes. We went to an Indian restaurant and the food was amazing. We sat beside each other and throughout dinner we got closer and closer. She rested her head on my shoulder and told me her secrets. I was truly happy in that moment. (please read Mental Starvation), she gave me what I needed. We spent 1 hour in the car afterwards talking. We even held each others hand. Best dinner ever!
My power had come back on when I had first come home from work, so I was able to shower and shave for dinner. When I got home from dinner, I was so happy because I got what I wanted, dinner with HER. I also realized that Christmas was going to be amazing. I woke up on Christmas morning and realized I was alone and I LOVED IT!! For 20 years I wanted this time of year to be just me. No one called, no one text. I spent time with my own thoughts and ate what I wanted and watched movies, and there was a Big Bang Theory Marathon, I truly can’t get enough of that show. I was able to go through 2 days without having to pretend I was enjoying a boring conversation or looking like I was actually paying attention to a boring one.
I have learned to love being by myself. Some days people just bother me. Music is usually my companion. That last year and a half I have been healing from a past that I began to remember, and I wish I had forgotten. I have learned to use my past as a learning tool, for me and for the ones I care about. I can’t tell you how often I wanted to be Tom Hanks in “Castaway”. The music from the movie is so touching, truly the most romantic music.
If anyone ever asks me, “What’s the one thing you love the most?” I answer, “Spending time alone”. I can never get enough of it. The one thing I hear constantly is that I’m being anti-social. I resent that. If I am spending time with anyone, I don’t make them feel unwanted. I am always making plans with friends and always get excited to spend time with anyone. I just love spending time alone. Why is that such a horrible thing? I feel like some people are too dependant on others. Some of my friends have said to me that they need someone around, it gives them purpose. Well that’s great for them, if it makes them happy, then so be it. I spent almost 20 years making my life about other people and I got nothing out of it. I see my friends needing so badly to feel loved by people that I personally don’t think deserve my friends attention, let alone their feelings. I will always be there for them, because I can always be there for me.
Why do I have to need anyone?
I believe that we are all here for ourselves and that life can only be lived by ourselves. Not alone. And certainly not lonely, that’s an awful feeling. There are moments in life that I want to experience by myself, so I don’t have to share them at that moment with anyone. Later I can share it in a story or by writing but at that exact moment I don’t want someone disturbing me with their opinion or insight. Most of the time though I really have this yearning to have someone beside me to be able to say,
“Wow, that’s amazing.”
Being by yourself is fine. In some cases it truly is a very rewarding thing, especially around the holidays. Stop telling me it’s not good for me. How would you know anyway?