The other day I realized I haven’t written in over a month. I was upset at myself and through the self-loathing I realized I allowed life to distract me. I also made some disappointing revelations about work but with my therapist I was able to re-focus and I also realized life was giving me a chance to prioritize my life so I can feel happy again. There’s a bigger problem though which I have to address. I’m really getting sick and tired of human beings. The arrogance and self-righteous behaviour is just getting too much for me. I am constantly letting myself daydream of a place where no humans are and I can be at peace. This frustration doesn’t seem to be getting better. I spent about 1 and a half years being extremely angry and it really got me no where. I have become resolved in the fact that staying angry will not help me move forward, because anger is an emotion that only focuses on the past. You never hear someone say,
“I am so fucking pissed off because I know something bad will happen.” That sort of thought is associated with fear, not anger.
I have my trip to Europe coming up on May 31st and the thought of getting away from my life, makes me so truly happy. I will be travelling alone for the first time since I was 18 . Well, my best friend will be with me but she doesn’t piss me off like everyone else. I keep imagining myself driving on the highway in Portugal. In the middle of the day and because of the economic collapse, there are hardly any cars. It’s like getting a sense that you are totally alone in the world. Just writing that thought puts a smile on my face.
I have been trying to be open to letting life inspire me to write and it doesn’t seem to happen. I want to make sure it’s understood that I’m not unhappy with my life or life in general. I’m frustrated with people, that’s all. The irony, is that at this particular moment I’m standing in a crowded subway going to work. It’s like having a person who has a fear of balloons organize and assemble a children’s party that has a theme called “balloons and more balloons”.
Not to mention that last night I had a really bizarre dream with my older brother. We were in some sort of competitive obstacle course as a team and we were working through all the problems ahead of us. At one point we were swimming and had to climb a cliff and when I got to the top some kid told me he forgot something and jumped off.
I woke up almost an hour before my alarm and couldn’t fall back asleep. I’m just fed up and want to get away.
On a side note: I started writing this on the way to work and I’m now finishing it on my first break. I just finished dealing with someone who really has anger issues. They spent 29 minutes telling me how much they hated me and the company I work for. I know I’m ok because I’m not as fucked up as they are. As my therapist says, “you have to put things in perspective.”
It’s nothing, really, everything is going to work out.