I haven’t gotten much time to tell you my story, I am somewhat restricted with time and what I can tell you.
Let me get to the point. It seems the more I try to explain my current situation the more confusing it will get. I have decided to tell my story in hopes that it will in one way or another be read by you.
I recall a fragrance. There was a certain pungent aroma that filled my nostrils as if trying to suffocate me, a drowning feeling if you may. I was in a field with wild colourful grass that went up to my waste and it spread across the earth as though it was endless. The horizon was an orange pale hue. The sun was coming up. I was facing east when it hit me.
I was departing life.
Yes, I was dying and quite slowly as a matter of fact. I can’t remember why I was dying but now it just doesn’t seem important. I believe knowing you are dying is just as bothersome as knowing why. I stood in the field and I could hear the wind whispering in my ear as if to guide me to my death. I was fully clothed and quite warm but having the knowledge of knowing that my end was near made my heart pound within my chest with more determination to try to beat the call of death. I know I was alive because I remember sensations that only a body could register. I remember love and being loved at one time. I also remember being in danger. Yes, I was in danger, of course because I was dying but there was something else. There was someone else. They were pursuing me.
I was being hunted.
I had wronged someone in some way. The sun rose through the edge of the horizon and the air turned cold. The fragrance got stronger, I had fallen to my knees and now I could no longer see the field in its entire colour. I set my hand down on the soil just in front of me and it was warm and soft. It was brown, powdery, like fine flour. I remember baking bread and splashing the flour on the table as not to have the raw dough stick to the rectangular oak table. I can’t believe I recall this now. It fills me with hope. I know it wasn’t a specific smell. It wasn’t roses or another type of flower but an assortment of smells, like a perfume. Something a lady would wear to a gathering with many people so as to attract many others to her presence. I became faint and fell over completely, my face hit the soil and the corner of my mouth inhaled some of it in. It tasted of chalk and small bits got in my teeth so that I heard a crunch as my mouth exhaled and closed so I wouldn’t inhale anymore. The fragrance was gone now and all I could see were the thin long strands of stems sprouting from this soil. There were millions of them. I couldn’t hear the wind any longer. Did it stop beckoning me to my death? The optimism was unfounded and I soon began to lose awareness and the feeling to my legs. They went numb, I could not move them either. It was all too peaceful and I wanted someone to jolt me awake and say that I had a bad dream. Then I heard the voice, from quite a distant first and then quickly approaching me. I heard dogs too. My eyes closed at this point and I felt, one of my last feelings then, that I was being pressed down to the soil I was dying and I felt as if I was sinking, yes, I’m sure of it now. I thought of a time when I was young and free and played with boys my age. My thoughts were broken with that voice again and it was upon me now, a man’s voice, quite deep but soft, almost caring. He said something, what was it now?
“I got him here! ” He was yelling back at someone else that I never saw and would never see.
The dogs were on top of me almost as quickly as he had spoken. There were two dogs, my eyes were closed and so I don’t know what they looked like but I remember them sniffing at my face. One of them barked and it rang in my ears and pierced my head. The dog was telling his master that I was not yet dead and I could still pose a threat to them all.
I agree, quite absurd.
Now the other man was also upon me and they spoke to each other but their words seemed garbled, as if they spoke through their hands. I could no longer feel my heart in my chest and my lungs didn’t invite the soiled air into them. Then the last feeling I remember was a pain that I thankfully have not felt since then, my head was pierced with some kind of blade, the steel blade slid through my head with ease and precision, it may have been a bayonet. Nonetheless it went through my head and buried itself in the ground. The pain was quick and it left quite quickly also.
I was left in darkness.
I had thoughts and I was aware but not the same as when I was breathing the soiled air and smelling the wild fragrance coming from the field.
I had departed. I was no longer held in bondage.
Well now I know it was only my body. I was in a peculiar relief but also, I had the feeling that I always knew that it would be this way. Some sort of realization that I was home again. I was in darkness, no feeling of cold or warmth and certainly no feeling or sensation of pain, in fact, I couldn’t feel my body, Time had no meaning to me as I tried to examine the black space.
Absolutely no sign of light, I couldn’t even adjust my eyes to it. Later I realized with a certain naivety it was because I had no eyes. I certainly knew I had been there before. This blackness was my home and that is where I wanted to stay. I felt nothing and I liked that. I would like to say that some time had passed but I was totally unaware of that. I do remember thinking about my childhood again and just existing. I think now that was what I was doing, just existing I felt no need to have to feel or want or desire.
I solely existed.
It was relieving, no that’s not it, it was enjoyable. There was no need to have to be anything or anyone.
Was I floating? Or hovering?
I can’t say for sure. I had no thoughts of heaven or hell or some sort of Divine presence. I was completely alone. After all I was dead.
I’m sorry but I must leave for awhile and I shall write again. I only have a few days left. I have run out of time for today, I will manage my time better when I return.
It’s good to be back again. I have been told I have been away for several months. For me it only feels like moments ago. Now to tell you a little of whom I am now, this will help you understand what has happened. I am what you would call a Spirit. This I’m sure raises many questions, some to complex for me to answer right now and some things you are forbidden to know. I will answer the easier ones just so you can understand my situation but I am losing time in doing this just so you know. I have spent my energy, searching for light. In my last entry, I told you I was in this black emptiness and I was soon made aware that it was not the right place to stay, at least not for the rest of existence.
Who told me? Other Spirits. Too many to name and really, we couldn’t bother with protocol anyway. I must tell you we love candles. We love flowers. If at anytime you want to pay respect to any Spirit then offer us a candle, light it of course, you wouldn’t believe how many of you forget to do that. Then fill a glass of water and set it right next to the candle. What does it do for us? It gives us light which makes us stronger and wiser and lets us guide you. The amusing part is you hardly ever realize when we have helped you.
Now I will repeat some of the things I know, I was alive at one point and I know my life was taken from me. I don’t know why anymore and that is what haunts me. I can’t remember why because I am very shortly going to be entering a new life. I am going to live another life and I will not remember anything from my past life.
I hope you can help yourself.
You may find that you are missing something. That is because I was not able to find out what happened before you were given your life. Let yourself be calm sometimes. Open your mind to what may be out there. Be aware of others and certain things that they may say, it could well be Spirits. Children are extremely aware of us. Don’t dismiss their insight into spirits and other ideas. I am taking this time to explain all this so I can get on with what I really must tell you. I fear that I may only have a few times left to tell you what I must.
Now to get to how I can do this.
There are people that are alive that can have what you would call a Spiritual Mass. Some call it Misa. It is not a mass like you would see in a temple or church but it is to call Spirits of Light so that you can get guidance and advice but for most it is to make sure they are on their intended path. The person that does this is called a Spiritualist. Spirits call him or her a horse. For Spirits it is a sort of mounting. I have come to one of these Misa’s to be able to do what I am doing now. The only way to do it is by using the Spiritualist’s body, that is why I am doing what I am doing. There is another Spirit here at this Misa that is using another body and they are working the Misa with the people that are here I have to tell you this so that you may inquire into it when you have read this journal. The spiritual life is enormously broad and vast. It is extremely hard to stay in this body. It takes an enormous amount of strength. I wish I could tell you about your life but unfortunately, I am forbidden to let you know too much.
To prove myself to you, when you live in a world such as yours proof is essential, you have a birth mark on your head. It is the size of a peach seed, I hope you believe I am who I am and that we are actually the same person. I’m sorry but I have just about run out of time. The other Spirit is ready to close the Misa. I shall return and give you more clues of your past life, information about us.
Hello again, I am back to try to give you more information. Let me just get to the point.
I have been able to recount some more information. I was alive when horses pulled carriages and life was perilous and I lived in the country that you are in now. I was an honest hard-working man and the people in my life thought I was a good man. I would like to tell you that I was framed and so my life was taken, but no such luck. I unfortunately just had bad luck with gambling. I left behind a family, I know that much, but I cannot recall who they were or how many family members there are.
You can’t right the wrong. Don’t waste your time. My actions can’t be rectified by trying to justify what I have done. It was my fault that it happened. I could let you know what life is all about, but I would be putting myself in great trouble and I am trying to get rid of trouble. You must realize that there is a small seed from each life inside you and over time it has made your soul grow. The seed was laid by you and now you are trying to lay another. I am trying to let you know things that your parents wouldn’t be able to tell you. Life is all about you. You are the only one that can make yourself happy. Knowledge used properly can teach people about themselves and if used improperly it will become a weapon against yourself.
There lies the difference between good and evil.
I advise you to walk on this earth with the intention of teaching; it will save you time and work later. As for religion, it is at your discretion whether or not you want to follow one. I urge you to have faith. Whatever it is you find inside of you, believe in it and be faithful to yourself.
There is one thing, you will always have to fight. Time is the one constant that you will never be able to defeat. You are given only a very short time to figure out what it is you are supposed to do here and then you must move on. I know it isn’t fair but that seems to be a universal theme. I am coming to the end of this journal but I must say one last thing before I go.
Live for yourself.
What I mean by that is, if you choose to be on your own then so be it but don’t put yourself in a position that you find yourself feeling lonely. Being alone brings great comfort but loneliness destroys your soul. Believe me I know. I hope you have learned to trust me. You know you can believe in yourself. I am being told I must leave again.
I am writing for the last time. I will place this journal in the care of the one person who will never betray you and you know you can trust. This person will have unconditional love for you even when you betray their love. This way I know you can believe what I have written. Also, I have made a vow with another Spirit who will be there for you from your day of rebirth to the day when you return home. The days you feel you are missing something, are the days when you miss being home.
It will pass.
On this day when I write you my final time, I have arranged for our parents to be here. I have told our mother that I have to give her something before I leave. As a final gesture I will suggest a strong name for us. I hope this finds you.
One last note. You asked for all of this. Life. You chose your parents, you always knew the happiness and suffering you would experience. Be grateful for all of it. It will give you Light when you finally come home.
I ready to be reborn.